Where do I go from here?
Imagine my surprise when I come off of leave and I’m told I will no longer doing the job that I’ve been doing for the past five months. Several emotions came flooding through…anger, resentment, and fear.
I’ve never realized how much I dislike change until recently. I know there’s always going to be change in life but the uncertainty of it is what I have learned that really causes people including myself to fear change.
I have always thought of myself as a positive person but as more time passes during this deployment I realize that may not be necessarily true. Maybe I’ve always considered myself a positive person because I’ve always been in situations that I’ve controlled. The Army is definitely not a situation that I can control.
Questioning my idea of being a positive person also makes me question if I’m a good person and if I’m really a spiritual person. These three things have always been something I’ve considered myself to be…positive, good, and spiritual. Since I’ve started questioning one, I’ve started to question them all.
I know being deployed will cause you to really look at yourself. Well, it has for me. I’ve never really had to do something that was out of my comfort zone before.
Since being deployed I’ve had to really evaluate what I want to do once I finish my deployment. I have so many possibilities but I’m afraid of choosing the safest one. Why? It’ll be easier. Meaning not stepping out of the box is what everyone wants including me.
Maybe I should find something so outrageous and take it. I really look up to the individuals who does just because. I’ve never been that type of person. I’ve always felt that I have to weigh all the options and make a reasonable decision. I think that’s why I’ve played it safe.
Perhaps, the better decision is not the most reasonable. I’ve learned this recently when I decided to go skydiving. I had several people telling me not to do it, that it’s a silly idea, and that I would be wasting money. I’m not sure why I decided to go ahead with this decision. Yes, I do. It’s what I wanted to do. That’s why I did it. I decided that this is what I wanted to do and I did it. Skydiving was one of the most liberating experiences that I ever experienced. Falling out of the sky really gives you an outlook on life. Not to mention, it was the most beautiful thing that I ever saw. The funny thing is…I have no regrets about it (I probably would have if something went wrong). I definitely have to start using this philosophy when making other decisions in life.
Tuesday, 26. May 2009
I love this blog! Although some may see it as negative, it is good to see someone having some retrospect and revelations life, work, and thoughts.
Sometimes you gotta stay positive, no matter what life situations come about. You just get to see another side of yourself.
This writer is articulate and keep it up!
Wednesday, 27. May 2009
The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 05/27/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.
Thursday, 28. May 2009
It’s hard to be positive every day but I once was told that “you have to be your own best cheerleader!” Keep your chin up!
Saturday, 6. June 2009
I know we don’t talk to one another a great deal, but I wanted to write in response to this post you made. First I want to commend you on the courage it took to express your feelings, worries, questionings and fears.
To be honest it was refreshing to read that someone else in my unit had or has felt anger, resentment and fear since being here. Sometimes I have felt like the only one who has experienced these feelings as a result of the deployment. I have come to know it is a sentiment not only from fellow 314th Soldiers but other Soldiers living and working around us.
The rage, anger and uncertainty this place can bring you is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I truly believe unless someone has been deployed and knows what it is like to have so little control over your environment for months at a time, it is hard to imagine, so for you to write about it is very inspiring.
I too have also questioned what I am going to do when this is over, and I too have asked if safety and doing what I am comfortable with is what motivates my decisions. I think the only advice I can offer to both you and I is to trust ourselves. Like your skydiving adventure must have taught you; sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump.