This morning I was talking to some soldiers from another unit here in Baghdad, and the conversation turned to what we would do when we returned home late this year.  One of the soldiers mentioned what she wanted to do during Christmas, and immediately my “stream of consciousness” brain threw something at me.  I started to laugh, and the soldier asked me what was so funny.  I told her this story about Christmas — and I swear it is true.

About 10 years ago I was assigned to the 89th Regional Support Command in Wichita, Kansas.  I worked as the lone full-time soldier in the 203rd Mobile Public Affairs Detachment, so I was part of the annual family Christmas party planning committee.  Every year, one of the staff sections was responsible for taking the lead for the party, and this year it was the Drug Demand Reduction staff that carried the torch. 

During the planning meetings, it could see it was good having Public Affairs there.  We helped the DDR folks with the programs, public address system, speeches, and other things.  The DDR folks told the others on the committee that they could handle the rest.  We stepped back and let them do their own thing.

When the day of the party finally arrived, the training center cafeteria was packed with soldiers and their families.  It was a great turnout.  We had too much food, of course, and the Christmas tree was beautiful.  It looked like the party was on track to be a great success.

After everyone has finished their food, there was a noise in the back of the room.  All the kids turned their heads when they heard a loud “HO HO HO!”  It was Santa Claus — well actually it was one of his civilian helpers from Drug Demand Reduction.  He was especially jolly and seemed to have had his share of Christmas cookies (so padding did not seem necessary).  Slung over his shoulder was a red and white bag filled with something, and the kids knew exactly what that something was — toys! 

This Santa’s helper walked slowly up to the front of the cafeteria and waved to the crowd.  He then reached for the microphone and announced that he was happy to be here with soldiers and their families…and that he had some presents for boys and girls…but first their would be a guessing game.

At this point, everything seemed to be going well.  Happy children, smiling parents, and a guessing game…what could go wrong?  I needed to wait only a minute to get an answer to that question.

“Ok boys and girls, gather around,” said the fat and jolly DDR staffer.  “Santa Claus wants to make sure that you know how to say ‘no’ to drugs.”  The little voice in my head started whispering, “Be afraid, be very afraid.”

I looked at the other Public Affairs staff sitting next to me.  They looked at me with a questioning look.  I stared back with the same look.  Unfortunately the worst was yet to come!

“Ok, boys and girls, all of you know that drugs are bad for you, but some of you might be asked to take drugs, so you need to say ‘no’ to drugs,” said the jolly one.  “But, you might not know what someone is talking about when they talk about drugs.   I’ve got some prizes for any of you that can guess the name of the drug based on the street name that you might hear.”

OH MY GOD, did Santa’s helper just say that he was going to quiz kids about their knowledge of the street name of illegal drugs?

“Oh kids, how about ‘horse’?,” he asked. “Who knows what someone means when they say ‘horse’?”

A couple of kids raised their hands, and an equal number of very startled parents stared at their street-smart kids.

“Heroin,” yelled one kid when he was asked for his response.  ”That’s right,” said Santa’s helper, throwing a toy from his red and white bag. 

At this point I was not sure whether to cry, laugh or look for the ”candid camera” behind the Christmas tree.  Since there were no media in the room, I simply rolled my eyes and laughed a bit.  “Note to self,” I thought, “do not have people involved with drugs – in any way — responsible for being Santa’s helper.”

After five very “interesting” minutes of good kids getting no prizes and bad kids taking home all the loot, Santa’s helper moved on to giving each child a wrapped present.   He then threw the bag over his shoulder, turned and strolled out of the cafeteria, with a loud “HO HO HO, just say ‘no’ to drugs!”

Folks, this is a Christmas tradition you should definitely avoid.